Captain’s Logos

If you were a rat
We'd put you to death
If you were a cat
We'd say you did meth


If you were a bug
We'd say you were smart
If you were a slug
We'd douse you in salt


But you're just an excuse
An excuse for a dog
You are worse than refuse
And you cheapen this blog


So do us a favor
And fall off a cliff
I would forever savor
If you were a stiff

Because the question of, "Why do dogs piss on fire hydrants?" may not be as easy as it seems.

They're marking their territory. That's right Johnnie, you get an "A". Now hurry along and get your associates degree so you can adjust claims or work in a crime lab or whatever.

They do it because they smell other dogs piss. You post hoc ergo proctor hoc spouting brain waste. Of course they do.

But at some point in time there was a dog, possibly visionary, maybe misunderstood in his time, a loner amongst it's peers, who laid aside convention and hiked it's leg at any and every fire hydrant it came across. This, in a rapid and inexplicable succession, led to every dog in existence pissing on every fire hydrant they came across.

If you want to believe that there is some massively linked dog conspiracy and they have communicated this universal 'dogism' to one another, well go ahead. But can this be? Are dogs capable of this highly organized and systematic networking of dogs across the world at large?

Or do they just like to pee on things?

So what do dogs do?

This question may yield a plethora of suitable answers because dogs, outside of your yipper variety, are multi-faceted and resourceful creatures. But if one were to venture forth a solitary answer, one would think it might be sufficient to say...

Dogs piss on fire hydrants.

Right? Is this not what dogs do - in ostensibly universal terms? Are there not, this very moment, small Sumatran or Swahili children pointing and laughing as the village dogs are urinating on whatever fire-extinguishing, street-side water outlet their particular culture has instituted? They stand on the doorsteps of their huts clicking or grunting away with smiles, "Look at chinyey. Look how he hikes his leg and makes happy extraction on flame killer." (poor translation).

The point is that dogs piss on fire hydrants, plain and simple. And that is what dogs do. And the compulsory following question, if you are the inquisitive type, "Why do dogs piss on trash cans?"

And if you follow this trail of questioning to it's end, although painful at times, can really shake the foundations of your particular version of reality, if you are so inclined.